As someone who’s grown up with the benefit and distraction of cable TV my entire life, it was certainly a change having my television scope being shrunk from hundreds of channels down to only 18. Like most downsizing adjustments in life, there’s multiple obvious unfavorable outcomes, along with underlying advantages that are visible only to those with the proper perspective, and also speak French.
My Time-Warner cable package here in Maine includes 18 channels: the 4 big networks, the CW, PBS, TV Guide Network, 2 French language channels, CBC, 3 religious channels, 3 home shopping channels, 1 infomercial network and a mysterious channel 8 that is never on air.
Now the apparent drawback of no ESPN, AMC, TBS, Nickelodeon, etc. is the narrowing of my breadth of cultural awareness. Events and phenomena like Shark Week, Nick at Nite, Saturday morning College Gameday and 24-hours of a Christmas Story are now fond memories. But for every TV staple I’ve grown up with and have now lost, I’ve learned to let go and accept my new situation.
To me, it’s like eating in a food court every day for lunch, and suddenly having McDonald’s, Arby’s, and Panda Express taken away and replaced with a single cafeteria line that has but one buffet of offerings. Adopting my mother’s attitude toward my childhood groans at her nightly dinner offerings: take it or leave it.
By the way, my mother is a fantastic cook and more often than not I couldn’t even finish all I’d packed onto my plate. That inevitably led to her gentle chiding, “Jacob, your eyes are always bigger than your stomach.”
I guess that’s the way I’ve adjusted to my new TV menu too. I’ve realized that there’s no possible way to watch everything out there that I’d like. There just aren’t enough free hours in the day. So when I turn on the tube, I scan my 18 channel smorgasbord and see what there is to eat.
And more often than not, the most appetizing thing on TV is on the TV Guide Channel. It’s come a long way. Before instant program information with the click of a button, I remember the TV Guide Channel used to simply be ¾ of the screen taken up by a scrolling list of what’s on, and a movie trailer or infomercial occupying the top quadrant of the screen.
Now, they’ve flip flopped the arrangement, ditching the Kitchen-Magic ads and actually playing real programs. And boy do they have some good programming. Their movie offering in the last month has included classic flicks like Risky Business, Thelma & Louise, A League of Their Own, Parenthood, and Tootsie. I haven’t seen Family Ties in ages since it fell out of favor on Nick at Nite, but now Alex P. Keaton is a Thursday morning staple. And then there’s the Love Boat.
I don’t know what it is about the Love Boat, but I’m drawn to it, usually as background noise. It’s like setting sail to another wild and far out era with your ship’s bartender, your ship’s doctor, Capt. Stubing and the rest of the gang. An era that wasn’t necessarily more racy or controversial, but one where jokes were made more liberally and awkwardly, and guest stars were everywhere you looked. I keep it on just to catch a glimpse of Dick Butkus, Jerry Stiller, Billy Crystal or the Harlem Globetrotters, relaxing and kibitzing with crew and co-passengers.
And I’d just like to say, that that guy Gopher really creeps me out. Just watch an episode, you’ll see what I’m talking about.
When I’m not watching TV Guide Network, I’m usually on the other major networks, I’ve got the power 4 and another syndicate: ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX and the CW.
Since I’m usually at work until 11-11:30, I’ve grown pretty used to watching Late Night Talk shows as an unwinder. Letterman is the best host, hands down. Kimmel is funny but sometimes too lowbrow for my taste (I know, hard to believe, right?). The SNL castoffs Jimmy Fallon and Seth Myers are most of the time too self-absorbed to be funny. And finally, my sleeper pick, my diamond in the rough, the guy I most infrequently mute is Craig Ferguson. Who knew Mr. Wick (or anyone, really) from the Drew Carey Show could be so ridiculously funny on their own? He’s got a skeleton robot thing and a mute horse as accompaniment, and he kills it.
Speaking of late night, the Canadians know how to do it right. Thank goodness I’m so close to the border and get CBC. Their late night satire show This Hour Has 22 Minutes is a hoot, an absolute hoot. It’s like an entire half hour of SNL’s Weekend Update but with hosts who are actually funny, and Canadian.
Also on CBC is this show called The Republic of Doyle about this Newfoundland family of cops with various strengths and stupidities. The shows involve them getting into mischief chasing down criminals, low amounts of due diligence. at least 3 explosions per show, and gratuitous use of the word “dickweed.” Really, the head writer on that show must be a guy who calls someone a “dickweed” at least twice an hour.
PBS is sometimes a late night alternative, but usually only when they’re spending a week showing installments of a Ken Burns film. I caught The Roosevelts over a two-week stretch between 1:00 and 3:00 am. Educational, enlightening, riveting.
Another PBS gem I get sucked into is their usual “The Generation That Changed Rock n’ Roll: the 60’s”, “Best of the Ed Sullivan Show” or “Pop Goes the 70’s”. I’m a sucker for 30 second classic clips of the Beatles, Sly & the Family Stone, the Mama’s & the Papa’s, or if I’m lucky, Hall & Oates. But mostly PBS is Antiques Roadshow and other crap.
My guilty pleasure channel(s) are the two French language channels I get. Being so close to Quebec and New Brunswick, there’s a considerable French population up here, enough to warrant two entire channels. I usually only watch them when I’m drunk or in need of a slap-happy laugh. I don’t understand a lick of French, can’t even pick up words from what Spanish I still remember, but the absurdity of watching Batman Forever or Ocean’s Eleven in French is just too humorous to pass up.
As for the 3 religious, 3 home shopping, 1 infomercial and the mysterious Channel 8… I get my religion in Church, I don’t have money to piss away on kitchen accessories, I don’t have sleep apnea or varicose veins, and I’ll get to the bottom of you’re interrupted signal, channel 8. If it’s the last thing I ever…..
I’ll get you Channel 8
Jake Berent 
Leave a comment